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July 2 - 9, 1998

Tongzhi Gathering in S.F.

Gays of Chinese descent hold first U.S. convention

BY JOYCE NISHIOKA

"My mother and father are both in their 70s. My strategy is 'wait.' Their death will be my relief. My grandmother always says to get a girlfriend, and her only unfulfilled wish is my marriage. She is now 93. Still alive, what can I do? I cannot kill her, so I can only wait. This is very painful--a Chinese son is looking forward to death of his parents to get his relief. How unfilial."

The multinational audience at the U.S. Tongzhi Conference in San Francisco Saturday laughed ruefully as Chou Wah Shan, an assistant professor at the University of Hong Kong, quoted a gay man he had interviewed in China.

Safe sex messages from the API Wellness Center, in Chinese and Vietnamese

For Henry Koo, a gay activist from Canada, this story is a familiar one. He has talked to many Asian lesbians and gays who choose not to come out to relatives. "Parents will ask, 'Now what happens to the family?' They don't want to lose face," Koo said.

At the same time, he added, gays and lesbians often feel that they're living two lives--and that their self-esteem can suffer.

"You have to be able to live with yourself," Koo explained. "You have to respect the culture, but you also have to look at the larger picture, and how you can move toward greater acceptance."

The conflict between traditional Chinese values and homosexuality was one of the issues discussed at this gathering of more than 200 gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgender individuals from mainland China, Taiwan, Hong Kong, the United States and Canada. Held in conjunction with San Francisco's gay pride celebration, the conference was organized by the Lesbian / Gay / Bisexual / Transgender Student Association of UC San Francisco and the International Chinese Comrades Organization. It was named after the Mandarin word tongzhi, which means comrades--a common term used to describe ethnic Chinese gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender communities throughout the world.

The three-day event, the first of its kind in the United States, urged participants to develop a greater sense of self-esteem in Chinese gay identity. Workshops covered a wide range of topics, from social and political activism to lovemaking techniques. Among the hottest hot-button topics: interracial dating.

A workshop devoted to the topic drew some 40 participants, all men, many of whom have dated outside their ethnicity. Led by Robert J. Christensen, Lucky Choi and David Y.C. Chan, the group talked about the problems and joys of cross-cultural relationships.

Safe sex messages from the API Wellness Center, in Chinese and Vietnamese

Larry, an immigrant from Hong Kong who requested that his last name be withheld, considers himself a 'potato queen'--a gay man who only dates Caucasians. "In Hong Kong, they portray white guys to be more masculine and to be more in control," he said. "I was attracted to that."

Billy Dulin, a Daly City resident, has dated several Asian men. Still, he doesn't consider himself a 'rice queen'--a non-Asian gay man who only dates Asians. "I consider myself more international," Dulin said. "Race isn't an issue [but] I was brought up with racism. But with education and maturity, I believe in one race, the human race." Still, he admits a personal attraction toward Asian men. "Dating Asians, there's more quality in the individual. Asians tend to be more educated. There's more physical attraction--I'll be honest. Opposites attract."

Dulin and Larry said they feel secure in their interracial relationships, but others spoke about problems that arise in these partnerships. Often, the issues Asian lesbians and gays must confront are similar to the ones faced by their straight counterparts.

Like heterosexuals, many gays and lesbians find that their parents prefer that they date others of the same race.

One father, Richard Lew, admitted to that view during another workshop about families.

"My experience has been that our straight daughter married within the race, and that marriage didn't work out," said Lew, a fourth-generation Chinese American. "Steve's ex-partner was white ... we liked him very, very much. Our youngest son's partner was also white--and we didn't like him as much. So, what I'm getting at is that it's not the race or color that's as important as the characteristics of the person and the attributes they bring to the relationship."

Still, he admitted that "if I had my druthers, he'd be Chinese."

Participants at the interracial dating workshop said racism within the relationship can be an even greater peril. Choi, a Chinese American, HIV-positive "leather man," said racism tainted at least one of his relationships with non-Asian men.

"It's very basic," said Choi, a musician and social activist. "It was prejudice. It was his background and what he believed about my race. In the end, he called me a dirty, fucking chink, and that we were cheap, and that we were deceitful and cunning. This was the person I had spent five years with, and it all came out in the end."

Choi's experience is extreme. Still, for many Asians and Asian Americans in cross-cultural relationships, racism--and ageism--can be factors.

Kim Singh raised the question of why old Caucasian men date young Asian men--a trend he says has persisted among gays. "It is a curious phenomena," Singh said. "Most of these Asians tend to be people who are recent immigrants. You would rarely find a Chinese American ... dating a much older Caucasian man ... This situation has [long continued] in this country, India, Australia and Hong Kong."

Christensen, who has had several long-term relationships with Chinese men, responded to Singh's comment by saying that many "young kids in Hong Kong and Taiwan are looking for a 'sugar daddy.'

"With older Caucasian men, there is a sense of power--'I can take you and make you what I want you to be. You are dependent on me,'" Christensen said. "But there is a reverse of that. Someone has to accept that role."

Many in the audience were stirred by this controversy.

"Why does the Caucasian man allow this power equation to continue unabashedly?" Singh said. "They should be man enough to say, 'I will not allow myself to be in this situation.' "

A participant who identified himself as Edward spoke with passion on the subject. "I was born and raised in Taiwan," he said. "After growing up and then living here, all I knew was blond hair and blue eyes--that was what was the most desirable person to have. We all [bought into] the stereotype back there--and even coming here as a new immigrant--that this is the person to have. Anyone Caucasian is better than your own race.

"As I got older and started opening my eyes," he said, he began to ask, " 'What's wrong with my own race?' Sometimes it's better. So, I think it's also your upbringing, what you thought was better. As you grow up, you have more experiences and you will have a better balance in your life.

"I still go to Taiwan and I still see, and I can't stand, just like when I left there 30 years ago ... very old, elderly Caucasian men dating very, very, young Asian men. It happens here and it happens in Taiwan ... but I think we all grow out of it later."

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