Maly Ly, 22, said she has had three serious boyfriends in her life. All have been white, including the one she is seeing now. But the Cambodian-Vietnamese American denied that she singles out white men for relationships.

“My friends are all different races. I date who I happen to meet within that peer group,” she says. “For me it’s really about whether or not I have something in common with the person.”

For Ly, that means finding a person who shares her interests in art and music, which she describes as a social marker. She listens to British and Euro pop as well as Indie; not mainstream, though.

“A lot of Asians tend to be more traditional,” Ly says. “They listen to mainstream music and tend to have mainstream values. Because of the music I listen to and the way I dress, I freak out other Asians.”

In high school in San Jose, Ly perfected the Gothic look with dark hair, heavy eyeliner and powder-white skin. Other Asian American students called her white-washed. White preppies ostracized her. And her only friends were those who “listened to weird music” and looked similarly bewitching. Now Ly has adopted a more toned-down look though she still likes to dress up.

“I’m not a jeans and T-shirt type of person,” she says.

Because Ly often dates men who “exude self confidence,” “have a sense of style”, and are white, some Asian Americans have been hostile toward her. Ly recalls one incident in a restaurant, where people stared at her and her boyfriend and said in Vietnamese, “Why is she going out with that guy?” And at clubs she says Asian American men will routinely see her with her boyfriend and tell her, “You’re not into Asian men.”

“That puts me in a rough spot,” Ly says. “Why do I have to explain why I’m with a person. If I were dating an Asian, nobody would ever question me.”

She isn’t against dating Asian men, but in general they don’t approach her. And she says she likes men who are comfortable with all different types of ethnic groups, who don’t just hang out with other Asians.

“I feel like I’m being judged because of who I happen to be with,” Ly concludes. “I don’t pick a white guy to fall in love with because he’s white. You fall in love with who you fall in love with.”

She adds: “A lot of people have accused me of ethnic self-hatred, which is so not true.”

Filmmaker Michael Gibson, 26, likes Asian women. He’s attracted to Asian women. And he’s dated Asian women. But he also likes black women, Latinas, blondes, brunettes, redheads -- all kinds of women in fact.

“Asian women aren’t my main thing,” Gibson says.

His brothers, however, date Asian women almost exclusively. One even admitted that he prefers Asian women because he doesn’t want to put up with white women’s “political shit,” Gibson says, adding, however that “that thinking is absurd.”

“Growing up in the Bay Area, you see that Asian women come in a full spectrum,” Gibson says. “Most stereotypes that are out there -- that they are submissive, are more faithful -- don’t apply. They’re myths.”

Gibson’s parents are ambivalent about their sons’ dating habits. While his father is open-minded, his mother would prefer they marry white women, though she “doesn’t mind” if they’re Asian, Gibson says.

“She’s from a small town in Washington. I think America is still basically conservative. There’s a streak in America that wants the races to stay together.”

Recently, Gibson dated a Japanese woman. But he says it was her interest in photography and art that attracted him to her, not her Asian background. “We were both creative people. I didn’t prefer her because she was Asian. But the fact that she was a foreigner is what kept us apart. I realized it’s important for me to find someone who shares my culture, who grew up watching the same television shows.”

Two-and-a-half years ago Gibson had a relationship with an Asian American woman who was half Chinese and half Chilean. “She grew up in Colorado, where there were no other Asians. She didn’t identify with the Chinese culture. She was politically minded, but dated all white men. I was attracted to her because of her strong personality. I didn’t date her because of her Chinese heritage, but I was attracted to her and thought she was beautiful.”

While dating these feisty, non-stereotypical Asian women -- or “firecrackers” as he calls them -- Gibson says he never felt any hostility from Asian American men. But he adds that he thinks that may have been because he lives in the Mission District, which is increasingly diverse and oriented toward “twenty-somethings.”

“If I go to the Roxie with an Asian girl, it’s not a big deal,” Gibson explains. “It’s part of living in the city.”

In other parts of the city, though, he has seen Asian men stare at interracial, white-male/Asian-female couples.

“In the Richmond there’s more tension. Asian Americans grew up there, have raised their families there,” Gibson says. “Men will glare when they see interracial couples because they see it as the guy moving into their community.”

But he doesn’t think the relationships represent a threat. The competition for women is “just a guy thing.” Whenever a guy sees a woman who is into something they’re not, they get angry, using class, race or age as an excuse, Gibson says, “like saying, ‘Oh, that girl’s got a thing for black guys.’

“That’s just being a guy.”

He adds that he doesn’t believe he’s sexually privileged because he’s white. Just as white men can date any type of woman they want, so too, can Asian men, he says. One of his friends who grew up in Japan dated only white women in college.

“I saw him hit on white women all the time. I never thought I could do something he couldn’t do because I’m white and he’s Asian.”

His friend’s first girlfriend, in fact, had “yellow fever,” according to Gibson.

“She only dates Asians. I think it’s purely an aesthetic thing, not because of any stereotypical characteristic.”