Senate Bill Bans Burma (in National News) Learning Center Reaches Out in Oakland to Mentally Ill (in Bay Area News) New Business Deal to Import Chinese High Tech Workers. (in Business) Missing Persons: The Existential Work of Hiroshi Teshigahara (in A&E)

What’s That Doing in My Soup?

As an Asian American of Filipino descent, I’ve noticed that some of us have been in a real funk of late. Forget, for the time being, the “crisis” back in Manila. Filipino Americans have a big one right here in the U.S.

We’re still not No. 1.

One might ask: Is being No. 2 so bad?

For example, being No. 1 in cases of lactose intolerance is not something to which we should necessarily aspire. Or boast about loudly.

But of course, we are not talking about our communal failure to lead the nation in flatulence.

No, the subject here is something more pleasant than that. It’s being No.1 in simply “being there.” It’s being number one by showing up in sheer numbers.

Here in America, Filipinos were supposed to have them. In fact, in several speeches I’ve given, I’ve long projected that Filipinos would be the largest Asian American ethnic group in the U.S. by 2001.

Number one with a bullet, as they say.

But a funny thing happened on the way to the census.

For the last 10 years, the U.S. Census Bureau’s 1990 figures have put the Chinese as the largest group in Asian America at 1,505,000.

Filipinos were second with 1,451,000.

Do the math. We’ve been short 54,000 Filipinos, somewhere in America. And Daly City has already been counted.

For the last 10 years, most Filipino American leaders have been saying, “Relax, they’ll show up.” The thought was, we can make up 54,000 Filipinos in one big collective night of passion, right? Maybe even just one lunch period.

Considering all that, one could project favorably for Filipinos. I mean, what are the odds of the Chinese holding up that kind of margin over this past 10-year period? I’d say a betting man would say the odds of Filipinos overtaking that number in the U.S. Census Derby were a lot better than Monarchos’ chances of coming from behind to win the Kentucky Derby. He was a 10-1 shot. Filipinos were at least even-money to birth away a 54,000 person difference. And that’s just based on their Catholicism alone.

So you can imagine the surprise when the Census Bureau’s 2000 figures were released recently and put Filipinos in America at 1.83 million — second among all Asian Americans to the Chinese at 2.43 million. To you, my Chinese brothers and sisters, I must wholeheartedly offer my congratulations.

Not only did you top Filipinos again, you were like Secretariat in the Belmont and after. It was like you retired to stud. You broadened the lead almost TENFOLD!

That’s a growth figure on steroids!

Which brings me to the point.

I know that there are over 1 billion Chinese in China, so numbers come naturally. But we’re talking America. Filipinos were within reach of the top. And then what happened to us? Did we all of a sudden discover BIRTH CONTROL?

I know I may have had something to do with this number lag. After all, I was the one who suggested Filipinos consider options in this first census survey that considered “multi-race” situations.

I was partial to the term “AS-PANIC,” honoring both the geographical origin, and the cultural origin of the colonizer, Spain. Besides, this way I could claim both sides, the rise of Asian Americans, and the sheer dominance of Hispanics as the No. 1 ethnic minority in America.

Deep down, I figured my one “AS-PANIC” would not bring down the entire Filipino category. I also out-married, and my kids as part Caucasian marked down “Cauca-pino.” But again, this should not have impacted the Filipino numbers significantly.

I will not even consider the immigration question. The laws have gotten tougher. And there can’t be that many illegal Chinese coming over in containers. Besides, look at the 1.3 billion in China. Those people didn’t immigrate to China. They were born there. Every year over there must be the year of the rabbit.

So, my friends, there really can be only one explanation.

Filipinos have fallen prey to the unmistakable power of tiger penis.

For those of you unfamiliar with the item, the tiger penis is much revered as an aphrodisiac in China. (Tiger penis soup brings to mind that old joke — Dining patron to waiter: “What’s that tiger penis doing in my soup?” Waiter: “The missionary position.”)

In fact, tiger penis soup has been a serious source of consternation to Western animal welfare groups for quite some time. While the item may have been a boon to the libido of the Chinese, it hasn’t been much for the tiger’s, as the overall tiger population has dwindled to near extinction.

Still, tiger penis is in such demand that in China, you can go to certain markets in Shenzen and actually buy tiger penis that isn’t a tiger’s. That’s right, just as you can pick up a few pirated Pokeman games, tiger penis is often COUNTERFEIT.

Buyer beware! There’s fake tiger penis out there.

What does a fake tiger penis look like? A cucumber? I don’t know. I imagine it would look real enough to be sold as real. Like one of those Louis Vuitton bags with the “LV” on it. Or would it be striped? Would it look like yours or mine? (Though of course, not as large in the dried state).

Then again, the much larger question is, if it’s a fake tiger penis, just whose is it anyway?

And what does it really matter to the Chinese? They’re eating some sort of penis soup and think it works. And apparently from the numbers, it does!

Still, I hasten to add, most of you shouldn’t try tiger penis anything (soup, brownies, sushi) at home.

While we try to bolster our numbers as a sign of strength and power, think of the poor tiger. It’s an uphill battle against eradication when it seems that half the world is hell-bent on eating your penis.