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Sitting for the Answers

By Anushka Fernandopulle

Have you ever wondered who you would be without your name; Who you really are when you strip away your ideas about who you are? What would it mean to decide to be completely honest with yourself all the time, no matter what? What do you really need to be happy? And how would you even begin to answer all these questions?

I have found that the best way to approach these questions is not to think about them or write about them, but to drop into a place beyond words and just watch and see. Over the last 12 years, I have spent a good deal of time on silent meditation retreats in Buddhist monasteries and retreat centers, which are fine laboratories for this type of exploration. The results have often been surprising, sometimes dismaying, but always worth the trouble.

I was drawn to spiritual practice from an early age. After years of sifting through various practices and disciplines through my teens, I found my way to the Buddhist practice of Vipassana, or insight meditation. Interestingly, this is a type of spiritual practice from Theravada Buddhism, the type of Buddhism found in Sri Lanka, the country my family immigrated from just before I was born. The meditation practice is simple, though not necessarily easy. There are many techniques of insight meditation but, generally speaking, you first develop some stability and focus of mind through meditative concentration practices, and then apply this focused awareness to what is happening in your own experience.

Many meditation techniques are essentially variations of the first part — stabilizing the mind — which can lead to peace, happiness and calmness while you are meditating. But when you get up from your meditation posture, this sweet bliss quickly passes away. Vipassana meditation teaches you to use the stability of mind to explore your mind and heart, your experience of time and the nature of reality. This, for me, is when things get really interesting.

Most people find that their mind wanders a lot while meditating. The first lesson is to have patience and just bring the awareness back to the object of meditation again and again. It can take some time to develop this skill, just as it takes time and practice to strengthen muscles and stamina when training as a runner.

The insights that can be gained from this practice can lead you through many levels of understanding: facing the “shadow side” of your personality, making peace with the past, seeing what blocks are in your own heart and finishing with complete spiritual liberation. When you take the time to stop and look at what is really going on inside yourself, you can often be surprised. All the things that you have been blocking out or avoiding must finally be faced when you take the warrior’s resolution to sit with whatever comes up.

My early experiences with meditation made me face a lot of things about myself that I was pushing away, like the fact that I was attracted to women. I remember the first 10-day silent retreat I did when I was a college student. Ten days with no speaking, reading, writing, TV, music or telephone removes most of your usual distractions. I was already beginning to question my sexual orientation before this retreat, but sitting still and paying attention to my mind-body process for 10 days confirmed things beyond a shadow of a doubt.

The ensuing process of coming to terms with my sexual orientation was not easy, but I have never had any regrets about facing this truth. I had been wasting a lot of energy dodging this fact, and I was also unhappy pretending to be something I was not. I think we all have a yearning to be authentic — to manifest in the world as we truly are without fear or hesitation, whatever this might mean for each of us.

What I have learned through meditation has also informed and fueled my participation in community service and activist work. Facing my own demons has given me a deeper understanding of what others are going through and inclines me to want to help others, as I would want to help myself. Learning to face the truth about myself has also motivated me to work for a world in which we all can be ourselves.

The things you learn through meditation are not always difficult. I have also learned to appreciate many positive aspects of myself that I was less familiar with. Meditation is just one of the practices that I have found helpful in seeking the truth. In Buddhism, this is also supported through activities like reflection and refinement of one’s ethical conduct and by the conscious cultivation of wholesome qualities like generosity, compassion and equanimity.

If you would like to explore more about this type of meditation practice, you can check out an introductory class or go on a meditation retreat. In the Bay Area there are many meditation groups, including ones for youth, people of color and gay and lesbian meditators, so you can find one that suits you best. More information on retreats and some meditation groups can be found at www.spiritrock.org. You can also find more information on this type of meditation at www.accesstoinsight.org. I invite you to take a chance and find out who you really are!

Anushka Fernandopulle is on the board of Trikone, an organization for South Asian gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people. She can be reached at anushka@trikone.org.