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AsianWeek writer searches for love online

By May Chow | AsianWeek Staff Writer

Related: The Secret's in the Aphrodisiac, Mood Food

Why, in a city of some 800,000 people is it so hard to find a date or mate? Countless times I’ve heard that either the guy is gay or the girl is “so out of my league” or either one is too much of a loser. Has the pool of eligible bachelors and bachelorettes dried up, leaving us with hundreds of singles battling it out with one another to capture that cherished third date?

Maybe we’re just too picky. I feel that inhabitants of Northern California have developed an ultra-sensitive date-honing ability. Deciding not to date someone because he/she does iyengar yoga instead of bikram or eats Trader Joe’s bread instead of Whole Food’s is pretty asinine; but I know people who were rejectors and rejectees because of this. Scary.

So where do we find someone — outside of the bar scene — who we can connect with and not worry about what brand of ketchup they use? Let’s revisit the faithful standbys:

Church/Temple: How many times have you thought about dating and relationships in church/temple? I’ll tell you what, next time you’re there, check out the person sitting next to you.

Supermarket: Those are nice melons you have there. Ah, the supermarket, purveyor of groceries and sundries and potential dates. But why do I think about cruising in the 1970s?

Bookstore: I actually think this is a good place to meet people. I met my last boyfriend at a Barnes and Noble on 65th and Broadway in Manhattan.

Friends: I’m going to clump roommates, work and school in this category. It’s great to meet dates through your friends, but does that happen as much as you think it would?

Travel: Great way to meet people from other places in the world. The disadvantage is the distance and the communication.

Then there are the gyms, concerts, toll booths, elevators, public transportation. I can tell you that that happens more in fantasy. How many times have you wished that the person who is sitting next to you on the plane or bus would be a hottie? Or that the person bench-pressing next to you have brains and brawn and wipe off the machine after he/she is done?

What’s left for those of us who want to find that special person to laugh with, have fun with, bond with? Enter the world of online dating. That dark abyss of modems and firewalls has carved a niche in romance by offering people a community to meet others in the safety and anonymity of their homes and pajamas.

In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, being the fearless reporter I am, I decided to do what millions of singles are doing across the nation — post an online ad.

Intelligent, Stable Folks

In a recent Match.com survey of 203 members, 23 percent met their last flame online, 20 percent were set up on a blind date or at a party and 17 percent met at a bar, club or public place.

“What you have are thousands of professional, attractive, intelligent and stable folks going online to meet that someone special,” said Trish McDermott, vice president of Match.com. “We have a tough screening process that members go through before their ads are approved, because the people who use Match.com want to meet quality people and aren’t just there for a casual hookup.”

What used to be an unconventional method to meet a date has become somewhat of a mainstream thing these days. It couldn’t be that bad, I told myself. I mean, everyone is doing it, right? Although I reminded myself of these facts, I still felt that I would be cast with the stigma of being someone who couldn’t meet someone through the normal routes — translated: there is something wrong with me.

I decided to post on two online personals sites: Match.com, which costs $24.95 a month and Craigslist.com, which is free. My experiment lasted 10 days, with over 1,348 people who checked me out.

Friday, Jan. 24.

I needed some pushing from my editor to write my ad and actually post it. It’s actually pretty hard to summarize yourself, your interests and what you want in a partner in the little boxes they give to you, all while trying to be witty. I wanted to be honest, yet not come off as superficial or boring or a number of other things. Not to mention the fact that I started feeling a little guilty for intruding on this world of dating with journalistic desires. I asked for the basics (for me anyway): someone who surfs or is into the outdoors, someone who knows what’s going on in the world and someone who will inspire me. I was approved by evening, and my posting was visible to others.

Saturday, Jan. 25

I checked my e-mail in the morning and while there was nothing yet, I noticed that 38 people had viewed my profile. But my inbox was empty. By evening, two people had replied to me. Two very nice guys, actually. I was pleasantly surprised. One, a dentist in Southern California, and the other, a science teacher. The dentist is Chinese American, surfs and enjoys travel and the teacher is hapa, well-read and enjoys the snow. I give special commendation to these guys for replying to me sincerely without having seen my picture.

Sunday, Jan. 26

No activity from other members. I answered six ads and received no replies.

Monday, Jan. 27

Nothing. All right, I was getting a little concerned and, frankly, a little insecure. Did I come off sounding too mean? Was it because I don’t drink? Was it because I responded to a question about my TV watching by saying “I turn it off”? The general consensus was that my inbox would be flooded with boys just because e-dating is ‘like that.’ But I had not posted my picture yet. The Match.com site states that posts with pictures get seven times as many hits. I decided there needed to be a change.

Tuesday, Jan. 28

52 people have viewed by profile and I decide to post my picture. Big move here: my face will be broadcasted to millions worldwide.

Wednesday, Jan. 29

264 hits, seven new replies. Nice mix of guys: writers, martial artists, professionals. I decide to tweak my ad a bit to be less specific about my “ideal match.”

Thursday, Jan. 30

590 hits, another batch of seven replies. For some reason, I get responses from men in their late 40s with children.

Friday, Jan. 31

737 hits. No responses. They must all be out on dates.

Saturday, Feb. 1

978 hits, one response. Gung Hay Fat Choy. This guy is now on a business trip in El Salvador, surfing on his spare time.

Sunday, Feb. 2

1,223 hits, four replies. One guy wrote to me because he saw that I was online. Match.com has a feature where you can do a search for members who are online and instant message them.

Monday, Feb. 3

1,348 hits, 1 reply. The reply was from the surfing dentist. I wrote him an e-mail and he wrote back telling me more about his travels. Get this — we’ve been to the same places abroad.

Stressful, But Oddly Good

I received a total of 22 responses from Match.com in a stretch of one week. It’s been stressful, knowing that thousands of men clicked on my ad, but only 22 responded. There’s a feeling of rejection here.

I decided to check out the online personals at Craigslist.com over the weekend. I posted an ad on Saturday evening, which was fairly similar to the one I posted on Match.com — and within 10 minutes of posting, I received three responses. By the end of the night, I had received 51 emails.

On Sunday night, my tally came out to 76 and on Monday morning, the total was 87.

Total interest:

Match.com: 22

Craigslist: 87

Do we have a winner folks?

What surprised me the most about Craigslist.com wasn’t so much the number of responses to my ad in such a short time; rather, it was the kinds of replies I received. Of course I received the usual unsolicited flesh shots and highly inappropriate questions about my knickers (come on guys, you really think you’re going to get a date out of that?).

But some of these guys who wrote to me were really nice, genuine and sincere. I sat there reading all the responses and many fit what I’d asked for in my posting. Many were doctoral and graduate students, there were accountants, professional football and lacrosse players, many surfers, a punk rock singer and a computer programmer for a gay porn company.

A handful of the replies were rife with spelling errors and gurgling prose, but the majority were well-written, funny and light on the Velveeta.

After journeying into the realm of online dating, I came away with an entirely new perception than the one I had going in. I was skeptical about the people who went onto these sites. Thoughts of dicey Internet surfers in their terry-cloth bathrobes hiding behind the blue glow of the computer popped up in my mind. But after posting an ad, browsing through other ads and reading the responses I received, I realized that there are folks out there who are genuine and serious about finding that special someone.

Whatever you decide to do, remember to exercise caution and common sense. Don’t get swept away by flowery prose, beautiful JPEGs or the number of response you receive. The rules in offline dating also apply to online dating: although there is the safety cushion of a screen name and e-mail, human emotions and feelings are present.

My advice: Be safe and go into this with an open mind, humor and common sense.

 Reach May Chow at mchow@asianweek.com.

Results:

Match.com

Of 22 responses, 19 were white,
2 were APA, 1 hapa.

Craigslist.com

Of 85 replies, 42 were white, 23 were APA,
20 were unspecified and 1 was black.

Statistics:

• More than 255,000 Match.com members identify themselves as Asian Pacific American: 67 percent are male, and 33 percent are female.

• Overall, Match.com has more than 5 million members and the ratio is about 60 percent male and 40 percent female.

• Match.com has 14,867 profiles of people who identify as Asian in the SF Bay Area: 65 percent are male and 35 percent are female.