Affirmative Action for Dating
June 29, 2007
Some people seem to think that everything would be in balance if we only smashed racism. But if we look at factors in dating imbalances, what we need is affirmative action in dating, not just pretending to be colorblind. What does American culture value in our guys and gals, and does it give Asian women an edge?
While Japanese fashion values “kawaii” (cute), Americans buy Cosmo mags with a cover set to “stun” and 15 unusual ways to satisfy or be satisfied by your man. Recently, the Wall Street Journal wrote that as the Japanese diet has evolved, young Japanese women have developed proportions closer to the Western Barbie ideal and adopted more provocative figure-fitting fashions. In contrast to our guys, Asian women are well – represented among beauty queens and TV news anchors.
We still hold up men like Schwarzenegger and Stallone as ideals of masculinity: massive proportions, hairy chests and sheer physical prowess. American women still expect to have men call them, pay for dates, drive them, open doors, and make the first move. But Asian men, especially immigrants who are a bit smaller, don’t have hair on their chests and may have difficulties with English. A society that openly accepts arranged marriages forces parents, not suitors, to do most of the work. Many marriages in Japan are still arranged, and until recently, half of high school kids had not even kissed. In an arranged marriage, you marry the first man that you’re set up with. My mother married the first man she dated, and so did my wife.
Asian values include benevolent dependence, inner strength to put up without complaint, putting family and hierarchy first, the conscious use of silence, and conformity, all seen as female traits here in the United States. We raise our children to be quiet, reticent, cooperative and willing to please. On the other hand, the American value system upholds independent thinking, outspokenness and intergrity. This is why, from an Asian man’s perspective, the American woman is an unexpected concept of strong will. Following this simple outline of ideologies, American men are often viewed as hyper-masculine, determined pursuers; Asian men are seen as weak and passive.
Asians aren’t weird; we just do what Asians do. Our guys aren’t cut out to be as aggressive about getting girls, and our girls aren’t trained to reduce an army of suitors to a puddle of goo before giving in. Now we can either raise our kids to play the dating game with the same zeal as getting high SAT scores (like Asian parents would ever do that), or we can start a public relations campaign extolling the virtues of Asian men as reliable providers. Just don’t complain. Do something about it.
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Thank you for the article. I’ve actually been attempting to find a japanese man to marry not because as an American I think I’ll be gaining a passive and weak willed individual but exactly the opposite. I have deep respect for Japanese men and want one as my husband. I’ve even considered arranged marriage but no luck so far however this article is insightful and may help to explain some of the reason why I’m still not married.