An Open Letter to Renaldo Lapuz
January 31, 2008
On Jan. 16, the hit reality TV series American Idol kicked off its seventh season and introduced the world to Filipino American Renaldo Lapuz. The press immediately labeled him “the new William Hung,” after the former American Idol reject (and fellow Asian American male) who went on to have his 15 minutes of fame for his painfully clueless renditions of songs like “She Bangs.” Here is some advice for Lapuz about his future.
Dear Renaldo:
I hope you don’t mind me calling you Renaldo. You certainly don’t strike me as the kind of guy who would insist on being called Mr. Lapuz. Congratulations on your scene-stealing appearance on the season debut of American Idol. You have now officially become our latest pop culture icon, featured on shows like Access Hollywood and Entertainment Tonight.
Now, I’ve heard you tell interviewers that you are honored to be compared to William Hung. That’s good — you’ve already learned how to be diplomatic with the media. But let’s face it — William Hung is a no-talent loser next to you. He was the breathing, walking embodiment of the geeky, clueless Asian male, while you are a badass Pinoy pimp, the lovechild of Liberace and Superfly.
Let’s start with fashion; Hung had no sense of it. You showed how it was done in your sparkling white suit that a dozen polar bears must have died for, your hat with Simon’s name on it (you’re not afraid to work the man-crush to win brownie points), and a matching cape that neither Christian Bale nor Brandon Routh could work as well — muy suave! The only thing missing were some sexy, bikini-clad ladies from your stable of hos dancing in the background.
You also displayed the depths of your talent by performing a song you wrote yourself — “We’re Brothers Forever.” Only in Hung’s dreams could he pen lyrics as beautifully aching as — “I am your brother, your best friend forever … Brothers ‘til the end of time. Together or not, you’re always in my heart.” Even that normally nasty Simon Cowell predicted your song would be a hit.
So, what if the judges rejected your audition? That’s not the end of the world. Steven Spielberg was rejected from film school, but he still went on to become the most successful director in the universe. Adolf Hitler was rejected from art school, but he … actually, scratch that example.
So, what’s the next step? Maybe you’re already planning on recording a CD or touring (again, don’t forget the stable of dancing hos). I have two words for you — concept album.
Hung’s mistake was that he randomly chose whatever songs were hot at the moment to cover. You’re an artist. Your CD shouldn’t just be a bunch of popular songs put together to maximize your fame. Think about it — a concept album like what The Who did with Tommy or what Jay Z did with American Gangster.
It could be a CD that tells the musical story of a young, cape-wearing boy from the mean streets of the Philippines, who comes to America and must battle evil stereotypes to realize his dreams of becoming a star. I can already picture the titles of the songs on the album — “I’m Not a Houseboy; I’m a Pimp,” “I’m Not a Migrant Farmworker; I’m a Pimp,” “I’m Not a Nurse Who Works in a Large Metropolitan Hospital; I’m a Pimp,” and the show-stopping romantic ballad “P-I-M-P Spells Love (featuring a special appearance by Mary J. Blige).”
If all else fails, you can always tour with William Hung. But remember: you’d be the headliner, and he’d be your opening act. He’s a no-talent singer that the audience is laughing at, not with. But you — you’re Renaldo!
Your brother ‘til the end of time,
Phil
Philip W. Chung is a writer and co-artistic director of Lodestone Theatre Ensemble.
Comments
8 Responses to “An Open Letter to Renaldo Lapuz”
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Phil,You’re funny. Before my impressions of Chinese were dirty, nose-picking people with poor hygiene.I am glad that somebody with your talent has got a break to enlighten us with your writings.By the way, just this morning, riding the BART, a couple of old chinese folks took their shoes off unminding everybody around them.Talking in chinese while PICKING their noses.I guess now I know what you mean when you say a thousand year culture.hahahaha.
Before you associate the whole philipino race with ONE IDIOT who doesn’t have any brains,(Renaldo lapuz) think again.You’re so all over on this one.And one more thing, I forgot to add “CANNIBALISM” to your lists of imagined greatness/culture.Hehehehehe.
Maybe we ought to sic Emil on the PRODUCERS of this hilzarious, lowest-common-denom “show” of wannabes and need-to-be’s?
They wouldn’t have the gall, guts?, to put on their nouveau version of Step’n Fetchit, but Chinese and Filipinos seem to be fair game to them.
Ah, Gollywood.
And, once more, the balkanizers are among us.
Hygiene is hygienc, nose-pickers are raceless, and language is babel?
Frank Eng
Third time’s the charm?
Whatever, I simply had to call attention to the fact that “Reds” also anticipated waterboarding, in reverse that is, in the scene in the Finnish jail where the interrogator insists on both names named and contacts identified.
And then there is the Baku scenes that, eerily, echo in advance today’s holy wars, on both sides.
Finally, the juxtaposition of both Emma Goldman’s renunciation of political pragmatisms AND John, “Jack” Reed’s embrace of the bloody entrails of revolution.
At the end, Reed wanted to “go home” again, but that is not possible.
“Islamofascism” is no worse and certainly not better than Yankee evangelicals who embrace THEIR un”holy” war the while they believe only they can be “saved.”
Time for those who try to live in between those idiot positions. Time for the rest of us to say, bug off, you idiots. Let’s try LIVE AND LET LIVE.
Frank Eng
There are some kool, half-asian personalities out there like Amerie, Cassie and the formidable KIMORA-LEE SIMMONS! This chick is totally into her Asian side and has loads of Asian women working in her organization.
That was pretty funny. Thanks. If he had busted out with “it’s hard out there for a pimp”, instant classic.
To John Doe, before you start saying Renaldo is an idiot, learn how to spell first. Think again, show me what you have done comparable to your so called idiot Renaldo before opening your big mouth. Renaldo is spreading love while you are spreading hatred. IDIOT, YOU ARE.
LOL John Doe. The name of anonymous cowards OR dead ppl.
Phil, ang baho ng hininga mo! Mag-toothbrush ka muna!