AsianWeek » I’m Not Rich

I’m Not Rich

Dear Q,
I think a lot of Asian American women are incredibly materialistic, particularly the ones I date, who are mostly Chinese. Now, I don’t make a ton of money; I’m just a regular professional pulling in $60,000 a year. When I take a woman out, I do like to have a good time and usually don’t mind paying. But after the fourth or fifth date, I’d prefer to go Dutch, yet I don’t know how to bring this up.
I don’t want to be cheap, or have her think I’m not interested and therefore not buying her meal. But Chinese girls are always choosing the expensive drinks at the expensive boutique hotels, and then ordering entrees they never even finish. I try to be chivalrous and open the door, send them nice notes or give them tokens of affection, but I can’t afford these women. I think they’re insecure and trying to prove their worth, and if I don’t show up with a fancy car, I’m suddenly the dumb, poor slob who can’t win over any of them. What should I do?

– Thin-Wallet Man

Dear Thin-Wallet Man,
Your conclusion about material wealth being an exclusive Chinese American female trait is pretty much bogus. My theory is that when the economy is bad or appearing to head toward bad, women want more security, and dating them gets weirdly more expensive. That’s why, with the economic forecast looking grim, you’re going to see more guy bankers going out with one another and drinking at the local pub, than buying their female companions the $14 cocktail. Sometimes it is just easier to go with the man-on-man option.

The problem is you’re choosing wrong, and maybe you’re projecting what they want based on what you feel you lack. You’re attracted to these women enough to ask them out, and they always turn out to want your wallet. What’s that about? A reflection of your true ambition to join the drinking class? That you feel less for making less, and therefore spend visibly more only to feel rotten about it later? Is $60K that bad? If you can’t figure all this out, don’t hire an expensive shrink. Just recall the earliest memory of your experience with money, and it will tell you everything about your attitude toward money today.

Start your dates with a cup of coffee; a Chinese girl can’t max out your credit card on a cup of coffee. Date two: the zoo. Date three: Go gourmet grocery shopping, and make the best meal you both can. Change the terrain where your romantic life unfurls, and the girl that likes you for you will deserve more than 2-for-1 at Long John Silver’s.

AsianWeek’s AskQ is an advice column to reflect everyday life in Asian Pacific America. It includes readers’ questions and solicited queries. Q is a 30-something urban male who is happily partnered — a manager by profession, a writer by desire.

Send your life questions to AskQ@asianweek.com.

Comments

There are also plenty of empowered Asian American women out there who will happily go dutch on a date, even if it’s your first time out. I find it strange to describe a situation where you are trying to pay for a date, and that therefore the GIRL (and specifically Asian American girls) must be the one who’s materialistic.

As Q writes, either you are choosing wrong, or you just need to raise the point with your date. After 4 or 5 dates, if your date’s not willing to pay their way (guy or girl), than they aren’t worth your time.

And of course, the question also remains: why do you think if you don’t show up with a fancy car or pay for the date, that they’ll think you’re a slob? Has anyone ever said this to you?

–Jenn on Feb 01, 2008
I do believe this Thin-Wallet Man is telling the truth. Chinese need a lot of demonstration of affection from the people they date so they can tell their friends and relatives how much they are loved. And the amount of money you are willing to spend is to them the best measurement of your love and commitment. Basically, you have to go broke for them to show that you love them. This is because you can not go broke twice. And that means you can not afford to date two people. And that means you only love one person. For a lot of Chinese women, dating is mostly for getting married. And if you are planning to get married, you better be prepared to spend a lot of money, just to show how serious you are in that relationship. To Chinese, or Asians in general, commitment to a relationship is more important than affections.

–212s.com on Feb 01, 2008
I think you need to distinguish between Asian Americans that were born here and 1st generation Asians that were born overseas.

I can tell you as an American-born Chinese American married to another American-born Chinese American, -that nothing in this article feels relevant to me. I never had to spend significant amounts of money nor did I ever feel I did not make enough money.

My gut feeling is that this over-emphasis on material wealth is more a symptom of those Chinese that were born overseas than it is for Asian Americans. China is undergoing a capitalist revolution and many Chinese are experiencing capitalism for the first time. Thus you see a lot of crass examples of capitalism gone amuck, ie factory owners who substitute lead paint in children’s toys to save a few bucks.

America was like that too during the days of the Wild Wild West. It’s simply a level of maturity. China’s populace will outgrow this phase after they become more sophisticated capitalists.

–Randy on Feb 01, 2008
Oh yeah, Hong Kong and the new capitalist pockets of mainland China are going to be rife with women digging for a rich man. Some of them are looking more for six-figure men.
I wish I made $60k a year right now. But you don’t want to always be flashing the cash on the dating scene. You’ll attract more of the wrong women. Case in point was an article from Asianweek several years ago. A Chinese American guy wrote about how he was chronically asked what kind of car he drove. He owned two cars. One was a very expensive sports car. The other was a plainer, cheaper, and more utilitarian vehicle that wasn’t a vanity piece. He purposely omitted his expensive vanity car and watched the women scoff and walk off. He wants to keep those gold diggers away, so he downplays his affluence.
On the other side, some women note that being the prettiest in the room has a disadvantage when on the hunt for a decent man at a bar or club. They attract larger numbers of shallow or horny jerks looking for a hot body, and thus, have to fight their way through the sea of losers that threaten to swamp them.

–Derrick on Feb 01, 2008
Thin-Wallet Man just needs to get a real job and make some real dough. Perhaps if he quit hanging out at high end clubs, he might actually save some money.

–elCheapo on Feb 03, 2008
I haven’t found this with Chinese-Americans, but I have definately found this to be an issue with Chinese women originating from China, particularly Chinese women from wealthy families and/or Hong Kong. Interestingly I haven’t found this extreme level of materialism in the Chinese men that I have known.

–Mark on Jul 03, 2008

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