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Addicted to Porn

By: AskQ, Mar 07, 2008
Tags: Arts & Entertainment, AskQ |

Dear Q,
I’ve got a marital sex problem: I’m not getting any.

When we dated at Stanford, I thought she was the hottest thing. Still do. But after we had our first child, the sex went down, not in quality but frequency. After our second child, our sex life tanked. She just likes to cuddle, and that’s really not enough. We have talked about this and even went to a couples therapist, but she’s turning frigid. I understand from female friends that this can happen to a woman after childbirth.

And while I’ve never cheated on my wife (though I’ve had a lot of temptation), I’ve also grown addicted to pornography. It’s everywhere and easy, and it helps alleviate my frustration and calms me down so I can be a good father, stop thinking about sex every five seconds, go to work. I don’t think this is a long-term solution. What now?

– Frustrated Father

Dear FF,
I think it’s your marital right to ask your wife to put out. Just because you shack up and have kids doesn’t mean that those are reasons to stop being hot and sexy for one another. You might spend your Stanford dollars to hire her a personal trainer to come to your dream house — exercise jogs the sexual impulses and motivates everyone physically. Endorphins = happiness. You can recruit a caretaker to ease up her household duties. And you can institute that thing common in straight marriages: Date your own spouse.

A passionless marriage can be a deal breaker. Don’t threaten her. Just keep reminding her that what separates your relationship with her from every other person on earth is the emotional and physical intimacy. If she doesn’t respond, you’re in deep trouble.

Next: Porn’s a good thing. It is a substitute for the real thing. No harm. The issue, of course, is when you suddenly have 10 e-mail accounts, three gold memberships and a lot of iBill items on the monthly bank statement. Stanford will be expensive for two kids, right? Too much of anything can ruin you.

Here’s the trick: Just tell your wife that you’re indulging yourself. And don’t think she’s not snooping on your computer.  It’s not like she doesn’t know you’re not getting any. If she calls you a perv or accuses you of betrayal, don’t take it personally. Just ask what she proposes you do instead. Until she answers, party on.

Got a particular life question? Send the details to
AskQ@asianweek.com.

Comments

  1. Since when did Advisor Q become such a prude? and when did putting out become a “marital duty”. I thought having sex was about having a hot, fun passionate, time — not because of some sense of duty. Man, that’s going back to that whole Anglo Victorian age.
    Considering sex to be a responsibility, can only lead to sexual frustration. Believe it or not, there are plenty of happy and satisfied marriages out there with little or no sex between the partners. Q, you need to think of some more creative advice

    –Not-A-Prude on Mar 08, 2008

  2. I think it is cool for a guy to want to have sex with his wife and it’s hard to believe that sounds olf school. It doesn’t mean that they can’t have an open marriage if it doesn’t work out but he wants to have sex with her. Sounds like every normative or experimental couple or triad I know of.

    Not marital duty. Marital right. Who would marry someone who doesn’t want to have sex with you?

    –WTFMan on Mar 10, 2008

  3. I agree with Q. Nobody ever includes, “I promise to have sex with you at least once a week, ” in their wedding vows, but you really owe physical intimacy to your partner.

    the wife wants cuddling but denies sex. If a husband wants sex, but forgoes cuddling, most people call that guy a big jerk.

    I disagree with Not-a-prude. You write, “Considering sex to be a responsibility, can only lead to sexual frustration. ” Well, there clearly is sexual frustration in this marriage. And the fact that sexless marriages exist is irrelevant. This guy doesn’t have to accept something because other people do.
    A lot of married couples have threesomes, does that mean every wife and husband should be ok with that?

    sex to a spouse is like practice to a basketball player. If you don’t go to practice, you are being unfair to your team. If you deny your spouse sex, you should reexamine your mindset, or allow your partner to pursue other options, or just dissolve the marriage.

    –Roger Chan on Mar 10, 2008

  4. porn is a problem, speaking form experience. if you start looking at this stuff on a regular basis this will ruin you faster than anything. AskQ, is clueless when it comes to this, the statement, ” Porn’s a good thing. It is a substitute for the real thing. ” obviously must have their own problems. porn is damaging to people, relationships and eventually oneself. innergold has helped me shape my future without porn. this my help you with your other problems, also.

    –give me a break on Mar 10, 2008

  5. I suspect that my parents stopped having sex a long time ago. It must contribute to their sometimes not getting along. It can’t be I will get sex elsewhere or I’ll leave entirely. The problem is that they don’t want the same things anymore but there’s too much bs like kids and a big house invested. If I were this guy, I would just confront the wife and then find someone else to have sex with. Computer sex probably sux. Whatever happens after that is just like the next step but you have to take the first step first. IMHO and i’m 20

    –Nat on Mar 10, 2008

  6. Like chocolate cake, speed, drugs, alcohol, gamgling, television, it’s all in how much you do it. And some of us have self-control and habits that do not fall into the category of addiction, as the comment above suggests. What else is this horny father supposed to do while he sorts it out. I think it’s prudish and naieve to think that you can’t have porn in your life and then not go out and do 1,000 other recreational things?

    –Pollyana on Mar 11, 2008

  7. First of all, I’d like to respond to some of the others comments. Pornography is not “bad.” I watch porn daily (sometimes more than once a day), have a fully functional and happy sex life, a great girlfriend (who knows about my vast porn collection), and a generally great life. Having said that, I agree that porn is not for everyone. If it consumes you to the point that your life spirals into a heaping mess, then it is YOU who must stay away from the porn. The same thing goes for alcohol and so many other things in life.

    Secondly, I totally agree Roger. Sex is a huge part of any intimate relationship. She needs to get over it and put out or get out of the relationship.

    –Julian on Mar 30, 2008

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