God Is In Our Way

By: AskQ, Mar 29, 2008

Tags: Arts & Entertainment, AskQ |

Dear Q,
I’m a white girl dating a really hot Korean guy. We get along really well, laugh a lot and have solid communication skills. The problem is he’s totally Christian.

Every Sunday morning he rolls out of bed and goes to church (without me). I feel torn about all this because I’m agnostic, my parents were lapsed Catholics, and I don’t really want to become a religious person. This might change, but the issue is that he’s starting to bring the Christian stuff into our lives — apartment decorations, sayings in the bathroom, prayer at the table.

I’m trying very hard not to insult something that he values, but I’m pretty much ready to vomit. And, of course, if we have kids, we’re going to have a problem. What’s the best way here?

— Godless Gal

Dear GG,
When my family and I first arrived in the U.S., we went to church every Sunday for three hours for three years. We spoke no English, and all I remember was that our family would occasionally be asked to stand for applause from the pew. The best part was the ride to Dunkin’ Donuts the next town over.

I understand the need to be polite about the matter, in other words. And it sounds like you’re doing pretty well. But accepting and tolerating are insufficient in a love relationship. You first have to ask yourself why on earth you have such a strong negative reaction to his relationship with The Great One. And it wouldn’t hurt if you went to church once just to see the world he disappears into.

It sounds like theoretically you’re okay with his religious side as long as it doesn’t touch you, but that seems untenable. Relationships are like see-saws. Ups and downs, and we take turns, all the while talking to and looking at each other. If you force him to marginalize this side of himself too far, he’s going to want to bring it into the relationship more evidently: He may start blessing the sofa, for example, or he’ll ask you to tie his hands and feet to the bed as a religious reenactment instead of a Friday night seduction sequence.

Try forming a book group with him and reading the Bible.
Read it as literature since it’s informed so many aspects of Western society. You’ll find it a fairly amazing read, he can love you for trying, and you’ll bring yourself a little closer to him. Just tell him that he can’t convert the group, or you’re all going to hell.

Got a particular life question? Send the details to
AskQ@asianweek.com.

Comments

Dear Q. I believe you did not help GG at all. She was trying to get helpful advice possible from “an Asian” viewpoint. Instead you showed that she is touching a very biased nerve in you. You might want to stop using your experiences when helping others. This is a relationship issue not a righteousness question of touting Christianity as the only way to spiritually grow. You missed her point completely.

–Phil Lau on Mar 29, 2008
i agree with phil above. but i’ll be more blunt: that was lame advice.

“tolerance” and “acceptance” works both ways. i think they should both talk about it with each other and be honest. i certainly don’t think it’s incumbent on the girl to start attending church or going to bible study.

i’ve seen lame advice posted on here before — but this one takes the cake.

–cheekyricegirl on Mar 29, 2008
hey folks let’s tell it like it is.
She needs to go find herself a Buddhist boyfriend!

–not a prude on Mar 29, 2008
Q,

Without a doubt, your “Christian” nerve has been struck by GG’s letter. “Try forming a book group with him and reading the Bible” - What kind of advice is this!? You definitely have your own agenda. Passive-aggressiveness at best!

–Tony L. on Mar 29, 2008
Q said, “If you force him to marginalize this side of himself too far, he’s going to want to bring it into the relationship more evidently: He may start blessing the sofa, for example, or he’ll ask you to tie his hands and feet to the bed as a religious reenactment instead of a Friday night seduction sequence.” What useless things to say…

It’s likely that GG is somewhat jealous of the attention her boyfriend gives to God, and not to her. She should accept that this is how he is, and the spiritual life he pursues hopefully helps make him a person worthy of her tolerance. Would she rather have a boyfriend with less character or severe maturity issues? He must love her and tolerate her own choice of godlessness to remain with her. If she doesn’t like something he’s doing (prayer at meals, religious decoration, etc.) then in the interest of being a couple, she has to have a conversation about it with him. And, like all requests for advice, some of the pivotal facts have probably been left out. So that renders this response speculation at best.

–kameo on Mar 30, 2008
GG has already made concessions by avoiding conflict, accepting prayer at the dinner table, and tolerating religious artifacts around the house. While she is trying to compromise, her boyfriend is slowly but surely injecting Christianity into their lives; in other words, he is not compromising at all. What she needs to do is clearly verbalize her discomfort with his actions, and he needs to follow suit by keeping his faith away from her. Period. If he is not willing to do this, then GG will know that she needs to boot the guy out of the door and find someone different.

–Julian on Mar 30, 2008
I have an English degree and read parts of New Testament and thought it was great. I was raised Buddhist. I think the idea of taking the religion out of the text and sharing the stories of the bible neutralize things. I’m sure they aren’t the only couple with this issue and there’s no need to break up over it. Whatever all this hostility is about this seems 2 b projection.

–Huh on Mar 31, 2008
Godless Gal, you have no clue about what you want. You are still a little girl who just wants to live a meaningless life. You are wasting your time and his. Why stay in a relationship when you obviously have no respect for him or his beliefs. But he is supposed to drop his beliefs to make you comfortable. Life is way too short for him to put up with your childish behavior. Ask yourself why you are in the relationship. For good conversation? You can have a good conversation with a bum on the street. You would probably be more compassionate to the bum than to the person you so call “love”. You need to break your relationship off and go grow up alot more before you get into another one. And after you grow up, you will realize how much you will regret your selfish/immature behavoir. He also needs to think about what is more important to him. Is it smart to stay involved with someone who is intent on tearing you away from your beliefs. This is a relationship headed for disaster. And that’s probably best for both parties.

–Serena on Mar 31, 2008
GG should dump the guy and move on. It’s not going to work. Having had experience dating Christian Koreans, I can say that if you have a low opinion of that particular ideology you’ll soon find yourself tiring.

This is especially true since it doesn’t appear he’s Christian just due to family or upbringing, but Christian because he actually believes the stuff.

–Xu on Apr 01, 2008
Umm.. I actually enjoyed the response by Q, and was surprised to read the comments above. Yes, he made some glib remarks, but I like that he injects his own experiences into the response. All responses must be right and left brained, and must therefore include his (and our) own perceptions and experiences.

GG should realize that her live-in boyfriend (who overlooks that church rule against co-habitating before marriage) is Christian, goes to church, and accepts Christian doctrines and worldviews. It is perhaps comforting to him, gives him purpose and focus and meaning.

If he doesn’t pray at the table, and if he doesn’t add signs to the bathroom wall to reinforce his beliefs, his Christian life, which is holistically his whole life and not just a single aspect of it, will be diminished. She cannot ask him to stop, just as she cannot ask him to please not BREATHE in the house. (It is like asking him to not eat kimchee. It is impossible)

Religion can be all consuming. It isnt a tv show, like Ful House or Over The Rainbow, which can be switched off. If he has to reject this aspect or edit himself, he will grow to despise GG and not turn his other cheek, no matter how bubble shaped.

In terms of a comment that said Q’s response should be more “Asain,” I think that this is an issue that cuts across all races. Remember that Bridget loves Bernie tv show in the 1970’s. It was quite ill fated. I found it interesting that the BF is Korean, since there is a whole lotta research of Koreans and church attendance in the USA. Perhaps her BF is more into the community ethnic identification and the cult of pastor personality than he is the Jesus factor.

I wonder whether GG feels, deep down, jealous and theatened that the church and god is “the other woman” in this relationship. But either way, GG should visit the church. Perhaps it is enjoyable. There might be a lot more to his chruch than just a deity. But I think, no matter how sweet this couple is together, he better bless that couch with a prayer, cuz its gonna be loaded onto a moving truck when they separate

–Mondoo Park on Apr 01, 2008
Has anyone attended a Korean church? From east coast to west coast and every church in between, they are the same with some a bit better than others. Basically, it’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing. There’s a smattering (and I’m using this word liberally) of genuine people but most of them are less to be desired. Korean Christians go to church for many reasons and being unselfishly kind is not one of them. He doesn’t bring her to church because he knows he’ll get flack for dating a white girl, and she’ll get nasty stares from all the Korean girls. Going through the motions doesn’t make you a better Christian. Having an open heart and mind are. My advice is if it’s a serious relationship, they should do things together, they would want to do things together, even if each is done differently. Only the experiences together determine the quality and longevity of a relationship.

–Definitely not a churchy on Oct 03, 2008

Post your comments.

Comments using inappropriate language will not be posted. AsianWeek reserves the right to re-publish comments, into "Letters to the Editor," in which case, we reserve the right to edit comments for length and style. If you would like to write a letter to our editor, please email: asianweek@asianweek.com.