Dear Q,
I was born with one leg slightly shorter than the other, so I have a noticeable limp. Other than that, I’m just your average 30-something Chinese-Filipino American female.
Dating has been very tough; it’s very competitive. I do all the things that magazines tell you to do about networking, taking classes and putting yourself out there, but nothing’s worked. I recently took a trip to Japan and didn’t see any handicapped people. After doing some reading, I learned how homogenized that country is and how the odd person out just doesn’t fit into that society.
It got me to thinking that maybe this sense of marginalization I feel carries over into the general Asian American community. People are polite to me, but that sense of isolation and estrangement is very pronounced for me with Asian Americans. And I would expect more from my “brothers and sisters.”
I’m not sure if I should confront them or just let it be. In any case, it’s not doing me any good to stay quiet about it. What should I do?
— Limping, Not Lame
Dear LNL,
I don’t doubt that you encounter bias and discrimination at-large. I was riding the bus recently with a jerk who kept cursing because we had to stop twice to accommodate people in wheelchairs. But if you frame your life as me versus the world, you’re going to lose.
You were born slightly different. Now, you can decide that you deserve to be treated differently, or you can stop being defensive and just carry your limp like a badge. It’s neither a quirk nor a cute thing; it’s a genuine defect, with disadvantages. But when God gives you the gift of difference, He’s asking you to step up to the challenge to be greater than average.
The great challenge in Asian American life is invisibility, so you might actually find more kinship in the community than you’d think. And a community can also discriminate within itself; being Asian American won’t protect you from Asian Americans.
You may also symbolize another person’s shortcomings. In the rush to assimilate, to appear more than competent in the eyes of the mainstream, people turn against anyone who signals that difference.
That which causes you pain can become the great source of your individual beauty. Write to me again in six months, and let me know if your outlook has changed.
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