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Anger Management

Dear Q,
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. So far, so good. The only problem is that he has “Angry Asian Man” syndrome. He flips off at the slightest thing, like getting cut off while parking. He has issues with his masculinity, so I think he overcompensates by being a noticeably angry guy at odd times.

I know the world can be very tough on Asian men, but this anger stuff has to stop. We’ve talked about it (please don’t tell me to talk about it; I’m doing it), but he doesn’t see it as much of a problem. He sees it as being an Asian guy in a racist world. This is getting tiring.

When he’s not that, he’s pretty great, with his nieces, my dog, my family. It’s just that out in public he can get insane. I need a simple solution to his anger. What do you suggest?

– Not Angry Asian Woman

Dear NAAW,
Slap him. (“Violence is never the answer.”) Tell him he’s a s—head for getting upset at trivial matters. (“You should never humiliate a man.”) Point out that you’re a hot girl and that he should spend more time thinking about how you think or feel, or your hot bod is going to start leaving. (“A woman should never use her body to keep a man.”). If none of this works, sit him down and tell him you really like him, but that you don’t want him beating your future children and you’d like him to get off a pointless, self-destructive path. The lightbulb won’t change if the lightbulb can’t or won’t. And it takes a lot of energy to be angry at the world all the time.

So, continue to do your talking but raise the stakes. Tell him you’re leaving if flying off the handle becomes his emotional reflex. Ask him whether he really thinks the world is a rotten place out to get him or if he is using that to justify his anger.

Here are other things he can pursue: a shrink; exercise, yoga and massages to help put that strong energy back into the body; more male friends who aren’t like that; or more females friends who aren’t like that. When a person feels loved for all that he is, the urgency to wail against the world diminishes.

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AskQ@asianweek.com.

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Comments

so common. i’ve broken up with great guys over their anger. enough with angry asian men already.

–Mei on Apr 12, 2008
Wow, “angry Asian man” is now officially a syndrome. I’m a recovering AAM, and let me tell you, you eventually learn to calm down. It’s normal for people to get angry at injustices, but someone who flies off the handle at every tiny affront to his masculinarity shows that he has a fragile ego.

People who feel disempowered and disrespected act like this. Although you can’t change your race, other things can impact a guy’s ego, like having a crappy job, no girlfriend, and a crappy status or position in society and life. Any aspect of man’s life where he feels deficient or disempowered makes him “angry.”

I know it is cheesy psycho-meta-physical mumbo jumbo to most people, but you might want to introduce him to the concept of the law of attraction. If he looks and acts like an angry Asian man, then people will treat him as such. If he looks and feels like a content and spiritually centered human being, then people will sense that and treat him with respect and kindness. Hence he won’t be angry all the time.

Overly simplistic, I know, but it is a start in the right direction and it takes practice. What really got me to change from being an angry Asian man to someone normal was when I realized I was losing girlfriends because of it.

Anyway, good luck NAAW.

–JC on Apr 12, 2008
This article pisses me off, im going to hulk out now

–Heyward on Apr 12, 2008
Hey all you AsianWeekers do know that this “Angry Asian Man” is just another stereotype? Males may generally have more aggression or “anger”, but that’s not an “Asian” thing.
And Q: don;t turn this self-help column into self-blame for asian men. It’s bad enough what Amy tan did to us and all those Joy Luck Club fans.
Plus, It’s not responsible to completely ignore the societal forces that provoke an angry response from Asian males. Sometimes, at least, it’s justified you know.
A more practical response might include a recommendation for more activities to release this male-associated aggression. Some good b-ball might do the trick, or maybe Miss NAAW ought to be part of the solution and go on couple camping trips or other physical exertion type activities.

–not a prude on Apr 12, 2008
explode not implode, grasshopper.

i know, i know i’m a hypocrite…

–kwaninator on Apr 15, 2008
it’s ok, i’ve decided to not date an asian women ever again.

–meh on Jun 22, 2008
Iam angry you

–ma hlaing on Jun 28, 2008

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