Cheapo Hubby
April 19, 2008
Dear Q,
My Chinese American husband is a tightwad. The last straw was when my parents came to visit. I wanted to take them out to a nice restaurant where each bowl of noodles was $14, which is not your everyday price, but it was a nice place. My husband complained about the portions and about better bowls in other places for a lot less; he was insufferable. When the bill came, my husband stiffed the waiter, so I had to go back and make amends the next day.
Then our secondhand car had to be taken into the shop when my parents were leaving, but instead of ordering a car service, my husband borrowed a friend’s ratty car. We got caught in traffic, and the windows would not roll all the way up, so all we heard was cars honking. I was mortified when my parents left, and my husband and I had a huge fight about it. It’s not the first time, but I’m done.
He’s the bread winner — a successful surgeon — and I’m the stay-at-home mom without much leverage in terms of contributing money. How do you deal with a cheapskate spouse?
— Too-Tight Belt
Dear TTB,
Nothing is more unattractive than a stingy person, especially if he has means. I’m going to assume that he’s stingy with you as well — a stingy person can also be that way in emotional, supportive, affectionate terms as well. You should assess what non-monetary ways your husband might also be withholding.
Next, just because you don’t have a job doesn’t mean that you’re not contributing to the household. Stand up for yourself and explain how you think a family budget should be handled. Take control of the budget as part of your at-home duties. Talk to him about making donations to worthy causes (with tax benefits, naturally). To start, you should wire your poor parents some flowers.
I had a friend whose parents were from the Depression era, and they hoarded, saved and scrimped. They always talked about what they didn’t have even while living in total wealth. In Asian American communities, there is an emphasis on surviving from those who come from refugee experiences. If the future is unpredictable, then hoarding, saving and scrimping are responses to that. There’s a reason for your husband’s stinginess. Find out why, and from there, start a real conversation. If all fails, ask for an allowance — and use it to hire a really expensive divorce attorney.
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AskQ@asianweek.com.
Comments
12 Responses to “Cheapo Hubby”
Got something to say?
maybe you should start making some money, then talk
TTB,
You will not be accomplishing anything when you are arguing. When you are arguing, both shields are up and your only goal is to win the argument not with reasoning.
Your best bet is to put yourself in the other person’s shoe.
Start seeing things his way and slowly bend him to see your light. Show some respect and perhaps he will respect you more. Whenever you try to reason with him and he tries to start an argument, show him you are above it by staying silent. Don’t talk to him until he is the human that you marry. Forget about that devorce crap, anybody can devorce and move on. It’s easy to date and live with someone short term, but always a challenge long term. The grass is not always greener with another.
You have a better husband than one that gambles, drinks, smokes, cheats, living paycheck to paycheck. Whats more important is that he loves you. Try and ironout the rest. Good luck.
Huang. You got to be kidding. Stay silent? Nothing’s more unattractive that a tight wad, especially if he makes more money than most. It’s really a turn off and since money is on the surface, we all see it, know who’s got it and understand very well who’s generous and shares it. The idea that she’s supposed to work it out and be patient annoys me. He’s the one who needs to change.
Aya,
When a dog starts barking, do you bark back. Staying silent does not mean you agree or being submissive, it means that you are above it. The train is going the wrong direction and I am not taking it.
Without a doubt he needs to see money in a different light, but sometimes its easier to guide someone if you are holding hands and not dragging him by the collar.
I really don’t think this is the whole story. A successful surgeon that complains about $14 bowls of noodles? I don’t think so.
What are the wife’s spending habits? Is she someone who blows half her husband’s salary on latte’s and new dresses every week? Something just doesn’t seem right about the whole story.
Trying to overcome difficulties in a relationship is a true test of a relationship indeed. I agree with some of Huang sentiments. However, as a feminist, I’m not sure just staying silent is the solution. A discussion should still be had, but maybe not in the moment.
If this is indeed a long-standing problem, perhaps instead of sending letters to AsianWeek, you could seek a professional. We are unlikely to get the “true” story in a letter. Peace and good luck.
What I hated was “stiffing the waiter.”
Now, that is truly unforgivable.
An ex-waiter.
my grandfather did it
my father did it
& i did not perpetuate the cycle…
but i’m broke now
go figure
He can be cheap with me, but to treat my parents with such disrespect — uh uh! I’m not going to have it!
“My Chinese husband” — I wonder why the race label there.
I think her surgeon husband needs to give himself an “operation” to have the stick removed from his bum. I mean seriously, you can’t take it with you. We work to have money to enjoy life, like a nice dinner, or a rental car from time to time.
Of course we are just hearing her side of the story. Who knows, maybe she’s racked up a lot of debt for him over the years-just speculating.
God, this sounds awful. I could never be with someone THAT cheap. I never understand what cheap people really want to do with the extra. They are usually the ones with a lot in the bank for the future. I think it’s psychological. Q’s astute point about investigating where this holding in comes from gets my thumbs up.
AskQ, you have no reason or right suggest or even simply imply the probability of divorce. Your response is almost negative in its entirety with no positive or constructive outlook. What TTB needs to do is sit down and figure out why her husband is being so stingy. Perhaps his background was like this, being raised as a kid. You mentioned he was Chinese American — I can imagine the race labeling here was for two reasons: (A) this site is asianweek.com, and you need to include the reference to your letter relevant, and (B) it implies that his parents most likely immigrated from China during a oppressive and impoverished Communist period resulting in the necessity to survive in the States by saving and scrounging. My point is, you need to dig deeper into your husband’s soul and let him understand your cultural backgrounds too. Being stingy is a good thing, to a limit (you don’t want a husband blowing all your money away on paycheck day, and starving for the next week), but you need to also inform him that spending money for others is a gesture of love and goodwill. Don’t argue or fight, educate each other.
Ask for the response from AskQ, be less ignorant next time. Consider the fact that TTB will be reading your response, and in her view, receiving it from an authoritative entity. Jumping to conclusions and even merely implying divorce could be disastrous to TTB’s relationship with her husband. Your words could potentially harm their marriage as she may going into a fight with her husband again, but this time with your highly negative response in the back of her mind.
Consider that next time, AskQ, in your future responses to tohers.