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Bachelor Bro

Dear Q,
My brother’s a really sweet man and very shy. Growing up, he was always the quiet one reading books who didn’t have a lot of friends. Our parents both passed away when we were in high school, so we have been taking care of each other ever since. He now lives in a rental studio by himself, working as an assistant manager at Walgreens without much money. He’s happy to stay at home and be by himself, but as his younger sister, who is married and with children, I worry about his future.

I’m worried that my brother won’t have anyone to be with and take care of him, but I don’t know how to tell him that without damaging our relationship and his fragile ego. My family is moving overseas soon, and I worry about his financial health after I’m gone. What should I do?

— Concerned Sis

Dear CS,
I don’t know if you’re subsidizing his life, but I went online and found out that an executive assistant manager at Walgreens makes about $39,000 annually — not a lot for most urban areas. Take your brother out to a nice dinner, and tell him that you want to help him prepare his financial future. You can offer to pitch in if you can afford to, do the paperwork with him, underwrite, guarantee — in other words, wed his future to yours, and maybe he’ll appreciate the thought, the love, if not the actual help.

Meanwhile, send your kids to him for a sleepover. Turn him into an active uncle. It will make him play out the level of responsibility that he will need for himself. What to eat? What to do? How to pay for the movies? And do things with him that are not about worry. Get tickets to a show. If he likes tennis, ask him to give you a lesson. Animate the parts of his life that you see are important to him, and you’ll increase how much he values his own talents.

Finally, separating a family, especially a small family, can be very traumatic. The potential feelings of loss as a result of your move will likely hit your brother very hard. You have to make a promise to yourself to be in constant touch. Use Skype, webcams, calling cards. Being apart — and bridging that — should become part of your relationship.

Got a particular life question? Send the details to
AskQ@asianweek.com.

Comments

If you help him, you are hurting him. He has to fail and then pick himself up. Adulthood is a real thing.

–Eti on May 03, 2008
i perceive

if he doesn’t change…bring him with you

allow him the opportunity to see things

the way you do…once you realize he won’t change

your perception of him will vastly improve

he has no ace up his sleeve but you

–kwaninator on May 04, 2008
CS, are you still taking care of him, emotionally and financially speaking? I don’t know how to tell you this, but eventually, he’s going to have to learn to be responsible for himself, one way or another. That doesn’t mean you should break the brother-and-sister bond between the two of you. I’m not saying that. Try to follow AskQ’s advice or at least motivate him to be more socially active. Ultimately, you’ll have to live your own life, and he’ll have to live his.

–humdinger on May 04, 2008
Let him live his life. Let him know, you are available if he needs help. Keep the line of communications open. You should only interfere under grave circumstance, like drug abuse, alcohol abuse, or some mental disorder. There is nothing wrong with peace loving people. You don’t have to be a party diehard or have lots of friends who are constantly distracting you, to be consider normal. There are plenty of normal people who could get by with his salary. Not everybody is meant to be a rocket scientist. As long as he is content, give him peace.
Not everybody needs material things to be happy.

–Huang Fong on May 04, 2008
Bravo, Huang Fong:
As for concerned sis, far too much of your concern seems predicated on YOUR perceptions of what is valued and what is “important.”
Besides, anyonw who “reads’ and is “shy” may well be a candidate for a variety of sainthood.
Thank the gods he is NOT a polar/manic type like the celebrated macho of Virginia Tech, or even the montagnard “hunter” of the Midwest.

–Frank Eng on May 04, 2008
I enjoyed the advice given to ConSis. But I would start out with the “active uncle” activities, and the skype / webcam. But as a single male who reads and lives in a rented studio… umm.. I would suggest that you proceed slowly with the financial advice, since he is happy alone (see http://www.QuirkyAlone.Net)

I would approach him with, “Older Brother. You read a lot. I need your advice. WIth the current recession, and planning for college, what do you recommend? Should I open a 529? Should we do Uniform Gifts to Minors? And what about Roth IRA versus regular IRA? How should I plan for retirement?”
If he is duly motivated, he will research this for you, and at the same time learn for himself. Then he will present the info, and you can say, “So, what about you?” and then open the conversation on his own financial health.

–M. Park on May 05, 2008
I don’t see anything wrong with this situation. Your brother is happy and content with what he has. The best thing you can do is to let him know that you are there for him.

Bravo, Huang Fong!

–Tony on May 09, 2008
Financially speaking, I’m not that worred about this guy.

But emotionally, yes, I think that this guy isn’t doing that well.

Everybody needs friends and affection. He might say that he is ok, but that is probably just a defense mechanism. Much more than financial help, I think that his sister should be concerned with getting her brother to put himself out there socially. Yes, it is hard for a (30 something?) Asian American man, but we all have to do it. Light a fire under his lazy butt and hopefully he will respond.

–Roger Chan on May 09, 2008

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