Open and Closed
May 10, 2008
Dear Q,
My boyfriend of eight years and I have a great relationship. Four years ago, we decided that we could no longer be sexually monogamous and decided to open our relationship to others. There are basic rules about where, who and how often, and though at times it hurts and is startlingly difficult to do, we have managed to work it out every time.
The problem is that people are starting to find out. The first time, a friend saw me at a restaurant with another man and told my boyfriend, who then explained our open relationship. It just seems to happen every so often, and it makes me uncomfortable.
I should add that we are both very active as volunteers and like to participate in neighborhood events, but I know that some of the parents are pulling their children away from me as if we were a bad example.
While I think this was necessary to sustain our relationship, I don’t think it’s necessary that everyone know. What can I do in terms of public damage control?
— Not One-at-a-Time
Dear NO- -T,
We could argue forever about the merits and pitfalls of an open relationship, particularly a “straight” one, but it sounds like there’s sufficient agreement and communication between you and your BF that it’s not a problem of the policy. Yet, you haven’t worked out the public relations angle, and the sad news is there’s not much you can do.
People love to gossip, especially when they can point out their own perceived failings in another. If you let them get to you, then they got you. The key to diffusing their power is to roll it off your back. Feel pity that their minds can’t wrap around your different notion of how to be in a loving, supportive relationship, and don’t retaliate. After all, you’re the one getting to screw around — and that’s a seriously delicious benefit.
But the tone of your letter suggests a little paranoia to me. Do parents really pull their kids away from people in open relationships? I doubt it, and I’m going to suggest that you and your BF re-evaluate the policy. You’re clearly not 100% comfortable, and it wouldn’t hurt to look at the same thing anew.
Comments
4 Responses to “Open and Closed”
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instead of being a comurep, you turn yourself into a demirep! two words: ron jeremy or vivid videos, that’ll solved all problems….
A guilt free pass? Wow, I can’t believe that actually works. Maybe I should try that on my girlfriend…
Most of us are probably pretty jealous so I would say take that amazing option of an open relationship and just have a great time. If you’re discreet, your lovers will be more so. Just maybe not every time.
I enjoyed pondering Noaa-T’s Note.
I can’t believe someone told his bf that he was having dinner with ‘another man.’ What? If u r in a LTR does that mean you can’t even eat with another male without incurring the evil eye and tattler’s? I mean, what were they doing? Just eating or making out at the table?
Q has it right. People luv to gossip, and like pollen, once the gossip is out there, the wind takes it and it just spreads and spreads wider. …As for playing with kids, I know people in a long term 3’some, and no one holds their kids back from them, but then again, they don’t advertise their open relationship. Maybe you need to make a new rule. You can only date other people sexually if they are in another time zone, that way your nosey neighbors won’t bother you.
This reminds me of that poem in “open Closed open” about the photographer…
“…The way a photographer, when he’s composing a /
shot of an ocean or a desert up to the edge of the horizon
and he has to get something large and near into the
picture,/
a branch, a chair, a boulder, the corner of a house
in order to sense the infinite, and he forgets the
ocean /
and the desert — that’s how I love you, your hand,
your face, your hair, your nearby voice, /
and I forget the everlasting distance and the endless
endings./
People forget that you and your partner are nice volunteers and a loving couple, and they focus on just one aspect of your sex lives. But that is human nature in its current form. Gotta live with it, or conform.