No Kids Allowed
June 14, 2008
Dear Q,
I am a pretty conventional Asian American woman — accountant, religious, a little shy. But I don’t want to have a family. I think kids are great when they belong to someone else, but I am certain I would not make a good mother. I don’t cook much and have never had a nesting instinct or a desire to give birth or look after children.
This makes it very hard for my parents who want so much for me to marry and raise a family before they die. It makes it even harder for me because I don’t meet a lot of men who share similar goals. I thought that men stereotypically shy away from commitment and want to have a good time until they are ready to settle down, but the ones I meet come from traditional families and cultures, so inevitably they are appalled. I’ve been deemed unnatural more than once about this.
I don’t want to be alone — what should I tell these suitors on dates so that they don’t leave and I can stay true to my wish of not being a mother?
— Childless and Asian
Dear CA,
The forces to have a child are strong from family members, cultural mores, the guy who has always wanted to be a father and women themselves. But you don’t have to succumb. In fact, you shouldn’t go into motherhood kicking and screaming. Children need love, not ambivalence.
Your parents will never be pleased, so let’s just skip them.
As for suitors, while it might be true that you don’t want to have children, is that really a necessary fact during the early stage of getting to know a person? You have to be open to the possibility that you won’t be able to control how you feel once you are with someone. If a guy asks, sure, tell him that you would never have a child if you had a choice — nothing wrong with that. But what if he had a child himself from a previous marriage? What if he proposed adoption? What if you met a guy who has an alternate vision of what it means to parent, like a commune or co-parenting? If you feel unconventional on this issue, you should at least allow room for the possibility of an unconventional guy. Remember, never say never.
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Comments
6 Responses to “No Kids Allowed”
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May I say that you are running away from your true self. a lot of career women do the same thing. Are you afraid that love , marraige, and children will ruin yourself image?
I don’t what to sound mean but it is human nature to be in love and reproduce.
http://www.culturallycool.com
To be fair Darryl, not every woman wants children and not every woman should have them, even the ones who already have them. The world is filled with children as examples of why this person should be commended for knowing ahead of time that she isn’t right for motherhood. Why are you calling her decision to be unnatural and against nature?
It’s perfectly fine to stay childless/childfree. It’s YOUR LIFE. There will always be plenty of other humans out there giving birth. Don’t feel obligated.
Darryl:
“Reproduction” is a pbenomenon and neither “right” nor “wrong.”
Hell, all digitalized “machines” “reproduce,” although it is questionable whether the re-product is worth the cost.
As for “being in love,” that’s another monomania that is totally individual, NOT susceptible to either logic or genetic “mandate,” or even rhyme or reason.
Monica is closer to the “truth” here, which is that NO ONE “knows,” other than, if he/she has the guts to explore, fully, his/her vindicationmm, his/her individual solution and “salvation”?
Even the “spawn” of “orgasm” knows no “law,” other than its lawlessness.
Frank Eng
P.S.: Congrats to Childless and Asian. You would be more than welcome on the Mainland? Here? Consider the kids in that Texas commune.
I started out thinking I didn’t want kids and then married a man who convinced me. We now have 4! STILL, I think this person is valid in NOT wanting kids now and Q advice to keep her options open is solid. The problem is the guys who won’t date a woman who adopts this position, which means they aren’t invested in a relationship for the right reasons. Does anyone really think that every single person who can reproduce should reproduce and that it’s abnormal if you don’t? What decade is this Asianweek reader living in?
yes! laura engels is telling you like it is!
if you want to see how the extreme opposite end
lives and you ought to see an episode of “jon and kate
plus 8″on cable channel tlc (a thoughtful plug)!!
i’m hooked to that show!