Who’s Expected to Pay?
June 30, 2008
This month, we begin a multipart series on dining savvy, specifically geared toward being a great host or guest at a business or social lunch.
Extending the invitation
By Western customs, the person extending the invitation (a host) is the person expected to pay.
Wait one minute! If you are Chinese — as I am — you are probably saying, “That’s not what I was told.”
Indeed, within Chinese culture, it is a ritual to do “heavy battle” over the check, regardless of who extended the initial invitation. It is perhaps the most important Chinese dining skill a person learns, and it’s learned during childhood. To not fight over the check is considered the ultimate display of rude and inconsiderate behavior.
Here are a few other guidelines to keep in mind when extending an invitation:
Always use the phrase, “I would like to invite you to be my guest … for lunch/dinner/whatever.” This way there is no ambiguity as to who is in charge and who will be expected to pay.
Never say, “How would you like to join me for lunch,” or, “Let’s do lunch!” This leaves too much up in the air and opens things up to check battling.
Do not ask the guest where s/he would like to dine. This places the guest in an awkward position, not knowing whether s/he should choose The Ritz or the diner next door. It is the responsibility of the host to choose the restaurant and/or to give the guest a choice of two restaurants.
Do your homework when choosing a restaurant that is not only convenient, but also has a wide selection of menu items. It is not appropriate to ask: “Do you have any allergies or dietary restrictions?” These are topics one should never ask about.
Confirming details
Invitations are often extended by telephone weeks in advance. Be sure to send the guest an e-mail or note to confirm all details. You may also want to reconfirm the day before your appointment. Reiterate the phrase, “I would like you to be my guest,” to subtly remind the guest that there will be no need to battle over the check.
As the host, arrive at the restaurant ahead of your guest(s). Give the waiter your credit card for immediate imprinting, with instructions to add 18 percent gratuity to the bill and present it to you for final review and signing. This, too, will help avoid any battles for the check.
Lastly, as the guest, do not despair: The best way to show your appreciation is to write the host a thank you note and reciprocate by asking the person to be your guest for lunch at a future date.
Happy practicing!
Next month:
Guest responsibilities
Syndi Seid is a professional trainer, speaker and founder of Advanced Etiquette.
See AdvancedEtiquette.com for more information.
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The Lost Art of RSVPs
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Comments
3 Responses to “Who’s Expected to Pay?”
Got something to say?
Ms. Manners,
meet Syndie Seid:
Wow, talk about social subtleties.
Westerners will NEVER understand such socioeconomics.
Frank, you’re mistaken. Any Westerner who has spent time in the Asian community for business or social reasons will understand the underlying subtleties that Syndi explains so well. You don’t give us enough credit!
Sharona:
The point here is that THAT “westerner” has to spend time and mingle and perceive said “subtleties.”
Frank
P.S.: Tsubota is a “western” aurname? Forget it, I’m “Asian,” but also totally “westernized.” Kipling is wrong and the “twain” have met? Sure hope sol