Tila: Happily-Never-After III

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Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Tila Nguyen who understood that her name just wouldn’t do for her blonde ambitions and the stardom in her eyes. So she renamed herself Tila Tequila, posed for Playboy.com, became the most popular person on MySpace, released a single about ex-boyfriends and stripper gal pals, aired a reality TV show and then, miraculously, birthed a sequel show. On the finale of A Shot at Love II, with bodice cinched tight and cleavage pulled high, Tila was finally ready to welcome true love into her bosom. She steeled herself to recite the cruel line “I’m sorry but your shot at love has ended” to Bo-Bear, who took a punch in the jaw for her and would take heartbreak as well. But Tila knew that her happily-ever-after would arrive in the lithe form of bisexual model Christie.

The dramatic upset? Christie realized she wasn’t a bisexual, and with apologies and tears aplenty, the key to Tila’s heart was refused. Ouch. The camera closed in on the water welling up in Tila’s eyes as she stalked away on the red carpet, most likely celebrating just how poignantly her modern fairytale life was unfolding into a spectacular franchise and a possible negotiation with MTV execs for a third season of more sex antics. While happiness doesn’t always present itself as a prince, it can in a successful reality TV show.

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The two I Survived a Japanese Game Show teams went head-to-head in the “human crane” game with the objective to navigate an airborne teammate plucking as many pink panda bears with oversized pincers. Winners were whisked away to a posh Japanese spa, where they were buried to their necks in sand and with their feet in a medicinal bath of nibbling “doctor fish.” Losers learned on-the-job training at a pachinko parlor (a cross between pinball and slot machines) serving drinks and rubbing down metallic pachinko balls in tight uniforms, with the women finally understanding that Japanese sizes come in small, small and extra small. The elimination challenge required the two least popular losers to play postman in driving hurricane winds with the goal to deliver as many packages as possible. “These Japanese people have to be crazy!” cried Olga, who was carried away by the mob of suits. Sayonara!

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In So You Think You Can Dance
, Katee and partner obtained first class tickets on judge Mary Murphy’s “hot tamale train” doing the samba, while Mark hip-hopped his way to safety as a salaried business man leaving behind his hot wife for the day.

America’s Best Dance Crew troupes were asked to synchronize their moves to music videos, and the challenge became how to avoid judge nitpicking. Supreme Soul had trouble mastering the glide. Super Cr3w was asked to stop “clowning around” with flashy tricks. Fanny Pak had technical difficulties. Phresh Select was asked to hit harder, and SoReal Cru was sloppy. Who ultimately drank the killer hater-ade? SassX7.

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