Mother-Out-Law
July 5, 2008
Dear Q,
My mother-in-law is not very friendly to me. I have tried to make conversation and tried to engage in things she enjoys, like cooking together. Once we run out of small talk and worrying about the day’s meals, we have nothing left to say.
Now that I have just given birth to her granddaughter (she has four other grandkids already), I want to find a way to engage her in other ways. She spent about three days helping me cook after the birth, but she rarely played with my baby, and I still felt the same coldness. Maybe she just doesn’t like me. Any suggestions on ways to warm up our relationship?
— Mother-Out-Law
Dear Mother-Out-Law,
Congratulations on your new baby, and sorry about the cold-fish Mama. Now you know how not to be, which is unwittingly how parents teach children to parent. First, you have to ask yourself whether or not she’s a traditional Asian woman who 1) values boys more, 2) thinks that no one is good enough for her boy/son, and 3) dreams of you having another child, insert obvious gender.
Next, people we love (or are supposed to love) change only when we change, and change starts always with how we talk to them. It’s weird how much energy and creativity you’ll have to exert just to come up with different things to say to her, but that’s what you have to do. Try to be off-the-chart about the subjects, avoid yes and no questions, and see if she replies. And if she doesn’t, which is likely, try it this way: You have a new baby, and you should talk to your new baby. So, in your mother-in-law’s presence, tell your child the story of how you met your husband. Find the spikes and lows in your courtship, talk about your wedding and honeymoon — just go on and on, and don’t do it in that annoying adult-baby voice. In some Cyrano de Bergerac way, you’ll be drawing your mother-in-law closer without necessarily requiring her to participate. Then hand her the child, and ask her to do the same.
The more of these gentle olive branches that you can extend, the more likely she will be able to see how non-threatening it is to talk to you. Intimacy is something that is practiced and earned.
Got a particular life question? Send details to AskQ@asianweek.com.
Comments
6 Responses to “Mother-Out-Law”
Got something to say?
Q:
This is of the quintessence.
Of human reklationships and “family constellations.” as in who is the “sun” and who the “moon” and whatever the gender of the offspring, who the planet.
That said, NO soft whisperings or murmurrings or rationalizations will suffice.
If the mom-outlaw is “jealous,” the daughter-in-law must resign herself to her fate, to be decided by her “helpmeet.”
If he is a “man,” she has no worries, and she should be kind to her “rival.”
If not, rotsa ruck, kiddo.
All inlaws suck but since you felt the husband was worth it, you’re stuck. No use begging for the changes which will never come. Set the example via your baby. And let your inlaws and husband by bystanders who wish they were you.
Who on earth Is Frank Eng and why does he respond to everything!
Speaking from experience, I advise to always be yourself (Isn’t it why your husband married you?). Let your husband talk to her about the big issues and don’t you sweat the small stuff. Love your mother-in-law and do what you would normally do. Don’t expect her to change because you had a baby. She is the way she is and you’ll just have to accept her, just like she has to accept you for the way you are. She’s not your mother or a chosen friend. She’s your husband’s mother and now your daughter’s grandmother. She’ll decide when she wants to warm up to you–until then wear a sweater and keep that smile. Also, don’t fool yourself into thinking that she’ll change after you give birth to a son. Count your blessings. Isn’t better to have a cold mother-in-law than to have a conniving one? Good luck.
Linda, is being yourself really helpful in this scenarior? She has a problem and you’re telling her to stay as she is and not expect change. She’s not supposed to try even? Why did she write in then? Asians are so obsessed with not being confrontational that doing-nothing amounts to wise advice.
It is common for inlaw relationships to be like this. It doesn’t sound personal. It sounds personality. I don’t know if this person is going to get anywhere asking an older Asian woman and mother to change her communication. It’s a nice try, Q, but I think she has to involve her husband. If she wants this thing to change, she has to get him to help her. Isn’t it more likely that a husband will change than a mother-out-law. That’s very clever by the way, imho.
I am a mother in law. I did not choose my son in law, but my daughter loves him, as do my grandchildren. I don’t like him, have never liked him. So be it. I treat him with respect and am polite, but I am not his mother. Why do our grown children expect us to like their friends and mates, they have problems with ours. My current problem though is his over familiarty with other females. Even extended family members who are now refusing to invite my daughter, husband and grandchildren to family gatherings. I now have to choose between going to one or the other. What am I to do about that?