No Cake For You
August 23, 2008
Dear Q,
I’m a 28-year-old gay Filipino American, and my partner is white and turning 50. He wants to have a big party for the landmark occasion, but I’m a little hesitant.
I love him dearly, but I am uncomfortable with our age difference and always have been. We have been together 5 years, and I don’t think if I got out there that I would find anyone this great, but I just don’t like people to know about our age difference. He is in great shape and looks years younger, but I have that Asian male quality of looking like a teenager, so it’s already evident.
I don’t want to make a bigger fuss out of this, but he’s pretty upset that I have taken this position. He says you only turn 50 once, and I told him that I would take him on a European trip (he is of German descent), but he wants to have his friends and both our families come. My family likes him enough but has always been concerned about our age difference, and I think his family thinks I’m just using him because he owns his own business, and I stay at home and take care of our two dogs.
We are stalled on what to do and haven’t spoken about it. It’s coming up soon. Should I let him have his cake?
– Don’t Ask My Age
Dear DAMA,
C’mon. You know what to do. I can tell just by how your write about this “landmark occasion.” Give the guy you love dearly his Big Five-Oh. It isn’t your party, and it’s not you who has lived half of life; it seems only fair to give him the gift that he’s really asking for — friends, family, everyone who knows him and you — versus stranding him in Regensburg with a sausage and Pilsner.
You might also take to planning and the event itself to ease yourself out of this internal drama about the 22-year age gap. You will realize that the gap will matter less as you get older. And the more of a deal you make it, the more you’re inviting people to mull it over also.
I’m reading between the lines, but it sounds like you’re staying with him because you don’t think you can do better out in the marketplace. Really? If I were your boyfriend, I’d dump you and celebrate being 50 and single. You had better look at yourself in the mirror and be truthful about how much you love this man and what you’re willing to do to keep him besides ignoring/hiding from the facts. Stop getting into a knot over a matter that you cannot do a single thing about — except view it in a different light.
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5 Responses to “No Cake For You”
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Yikes. Q is right. The words between the lines are SCREAMING out. DAMA should celebrate his partner’s bday in whichever way the 50 yr old desires. DAMA is too self focused. The real issue seems to be that he feels guilty and uncomfortable and embarassed being young and not being employed in a standard job.
I have to laugh at one item. Those bible reading readers here will chuckle that his signature name is DAMA. DAMA in biblical Hebrew means to weep bitterly. As in Jeremiah: “But if ye will not hear it, my soul shall WEEP in secret places for your pride; and my eye shall weep sore, and run down with tears, because the lord’s flock is carried away captive. ” So DAMA… stop weeping and gnashing your teeth out of your own pride and discomfort. Turn your heart outward and celebrate your partner, or maybe this relationship is ready to be carried off into exile in Babylon.
Q
& “S Mondoo”:
You twain are so right, it’s almost wrong to comment further.
Aside from the fact that DAMA is, basically, a twerp, and a self-seeker, at his rate of maturation, he will NEVER “grow up” to the point where he realizes that “love” consists of giving rather than taking.
As for his superficial reaction, profound to him apparently, by way of his signoff, to the “age differences,” when will ANYone learn to think AND “feel” for him- or herself rather than submit supinely to what “others” think or feel.
Life is lived from the inside out, and not the other way around.
To “Don’t ask my age”:
Forget about the age difference-just give your partner a huge 50th blow-out party!
Email me, your kababayan at loreto.mondrian@gmail.com if you need help.
I know of a beautiful venue owned by an Asian-American. It’s a hidden gem-a wonderful secret awaiting to unfold.
How easy-peasy to say ignore the age difference. We live in an age-ist society, and he’s doing this to his own BF! The 50th just highlights his internal problems and puts it OUT THERE for everyone to see (or so he thinks). Why not call it like it is. Yes, it’s a problem. It does matter what people think but it matters more what he wants to do. If he’s not strong enough, then leave the guy. And start again w a closer age gap in mind.
i sympathize. i was engaged to an older white jewish man 15 years and we had serious struggles because he was always in a different life phase. When he wanted kids, I wanted to go out. When I wanted kids, he wanted to watch tv. It can work but it isn’t easy. All these other rosey colored glasses comments about how it doesn’t matter are missing the point, or they know what they are supposed to say, or it’s easy to be theoretically right. I left the guy and it’s actually a great relief.