Bad Manners
September 6, 2008
Dear Q,
My neighbor’s children have terrible table manners. What’s more, they are one of those White families that eat cold cuts all the time and don’t have a real interest in food, so when they come over, I actually make an effort to prepare interesting — not offensive or exotic — food.
My friendships really rely on a shared, common interest in eating. And though my neighbor loves to eat, I’ve watched her wither and give in to her children’s very poor manners and diet (the kids are 11 and 13).
I don’t feel comfortable approaching her about the issue, and I wouldn’t want to stop inviting them over. At the same time, watching these kids eat makes me vomit (they throw food sometimes). I don’t think this is a healthy relationship with food or a good foundation for a parent to be putting into place.
What’s the best way to change things without losing her friendship?
– Not Eating Next To Your Children
Dear NENTYC,
I’ve been in that scenario — and hate it. I can’t stand slaving in a kitchen for a dinner party only to watch a runt stab at it with a fork and then go play Nintendo with a parent’s permission.
Fundamentally, I think part of the problem is that parents these days give kids too much choice in too many matters, especially what they eat. My philosophy is that you know what’s good for them to eat better than they do so just make them eat it. If the child isn’t happy and growing properly 24/7, parents feel guilty and
like a failure. So if the child whines about food, he or she will get a slice of pizza.
Back in the day, back in the mother country, you ate what was in front of you, and if you didn’t, there really wasn’t anything else to eat. Oh, and I’ve been to dinners where everyone’s eating different things—one was at Thanksgiving!
But I ask you: Why do you feel a need to meddle? Let the children rot socially, and then the parents will have to pay for therapy to figure out their maladjustment.
What might work is when you next have them over for dinner, admonish them for their very poor habits. It’s your house. The comfort of your friend is not superior to your own wish to have a good time with them. You’re basically doing the classic 2-for-1 because you’ll also be shaming the parents. The challenge is that if the parents use their jeans as napkins, the children are given implicit approval to do the same. It’s probably too late to reform them, but at least you don’t have to put up with it under your own roof.
And you might switch to movie night with just popcorn to go around. It’s not an obnoxious airborne food item.
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2 Responses to “Bad Manners”
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ha, ha. this is funny. and might i add pretty terrible. whatever happened to manners. i know that people think cryingout for manners is like criticizing hip hop but this letter and scenario is not an instance of it’s all good. it’s all bad. get rid of them
What they eat is none of your business. And it’s not your role to try to “educate” them about food. However, you should have rules about food fights.
Maybe what’s unhealthy is your statement that “My friendships really rely on a shared, common interest in eating”.
Friendships need mutual respect, and I don’t see that here.
Perhaps you can find another hobby you can share with this friend that doesn’t involve your need to be in control of the food and cooking. Or go eat at a restaurant.