Not King George

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Dark days for our friends on VH1. On The Pickup Artist, the guys were auctioned off, and Brian introduced himself as “Brian — with an ‘I’ for intelligent,” but maybe he should have gone with A for asinine.

Not that I don’t enjoy his well-meaning silliness. After dancing a grinding screwdriver on stage, Brian was sold for $575, landing him right in the middle of his competitors’ top bids. Not bad for someone who described himself as, “I’m just Brian. I’m not, like, King George.”

In the field test, Brian confidently asked a table of women their opinions on David Bowie’s hotness and their attraction to older men. But crashing and burning commenced when he told them of his fondness for pickle juice, chased after them as they tried to walk away and commented that one girl had “the orangest tan [he had] ever seen.” Mystery’s hat was pulling its hair out over that one.

Though Brian’s elimination was expected, it was still heartbreaking to see him huddled on the ground crying after he left the judges. At least he ended on a high note: “I’m ready for a real K-I-S-S-infinity Ss. On my lips. Instead of a mannequin this time. Or a guy.”

So Brian didn’t do a whole lot to reverse goofy, sexless, Long Duk Dong Asian male stereotypes. But who is Mystery — or any of us — to say that it’s “wrong” to act a little ridiculous once in a while? I’m glad that Brian didn’t lose his personality in favor of rules and formulas. Dude, there’s a lady out there who thinks your bandana is hot.

On Scream Queens, Lina’s snotty attitude got her in trouble again. In addition to doing a reading that was called “borderline racist” by a screenwriter and interpreting “Catholic school girl gone bad” to mean “spastic metalhead wannabe possessed by a tongue-wagging demon,” she balked when faced with a scene that
involved kissing another girl.

Sadly, her comments seemed ripe with intolerance. “This is a freaking acting competition, not necessarily a freaking lesbian make-out session,” and later, “I feel [kissing a girl is] degrading,” were statements that could have been referring to the cheap, obvious sexuality of girl-on-girl action, but things became abundantly clear when she said, “I don’t think girls should be kissing girls. It’s just not normal.”

Despite her strong feelings, Lina remained mum when the director asked each girl if there was a problem with any of the characters. Her refusal to perform the scene wasted time, and in the judging room the director reiterated: “You flat-out lied to me.” Ultimately, this was unforgivable, and Lina got the ax.

Ken fared better on Survivor, but not by much. Shuffled into a new tribe, Ken was at the top of the list for elimination. Crystal’s loyalty and Susie’s realization that her former teammates don’t care for her won Ken safety by one vote. He really dodged a Koopa Troopa shell there.

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